Grieving

I made the arrangements today for Stan’s body to be taken to the pet crematorium. He, or his body at least, should now be there and we’ll probably have his ashes back with us later in the week. We’ve had all our other cats cremated when their lives ended and Stan will be in good company amongst them when he is returned.

I’m grieving for his loss and it hurts. Everywhere I look there is evidence of him, either in the form of his possessions, or in memories of his life. I want him back so much but know I can’t and it’s so painful. I feel guilty that I didn’t look after him well enough and that it’s my fault he was out when he was. I also feel guilty for the times I pushed him away because I had to get on with other things. I know that this is part of the grief and a normal thing to experience, and that none of us can see the future before it happens, but it doesn’t stop me reliving events and somehow trying to wind back time to change how it unfolded. I would take all the annoyance he could throw at me without complaint to have him back. He was my friend and I love him.

I was supposed to have my laptop re-built today but had to cancel the appointment and take a sick day. The thought of being in the drab grey room where the work would be carried out was not something I felt I could bear. Instead I’ve spent most of the day with the TV switched to daytime programmes just to have some inoffensive background noise while looking at other people’s experiences of losing cats online. This might seem a bit depressing, but I find some comfort in the fact that we’re not alone in suffering such a loss, and that others have felt the same way and gone on to recover again.

There was still some of his blood on the road where he died which I could see from our house windows and today I took out a bucket of soapy water and a brush to wash it away. It felt disrespectful to leave it there even though rain would wash it away before long. It’s Stan’s blood and I couldn’t bear the thought of it being there to be gawped at or run over by other cars.

I know that the grief will pass in time, as it has before, but the suddenness of his passing and his young age make this feel especially tragic. It’s at times like this that I sometimes wish I was a more spiritual person, I’m not really a believer in an afterlife, but I dearly hope that I am wrong on this and that one day I can be reunited with all my lost loved ones.

Love you Stan x