I’ve been suffering from insomnia for the past few days. My natural tendency towards anxiety has been triggered by the news of my son’s apprenticeship not being converted into a full time role.

I’ve suffered from insomnia in the past, that time triggered by anxiety too. I don’t have any difficulty falling asleep – in fact I could probably close my eyes and drift off from the early evening onward – and while I am asleep, it is undisturbed. The problem tends to come about in the middle of the night, usually because I need to get up to use the toilet. Once I get back into bed, I find it very difficult to get back to sleep. I’ll try for a while, starting by just closing my eyes and hoping I’ll drop off, but then I’ll feel the need to fidget. Each change of position will feel good, but after awhile I’ll have the urge to move again. After a couple of rounds of this I might try some breathing exercises, or some mental equivalents of counting sheep, but sooner or later it will become apparent that my efforts are futile and I will resort to reading my Kindle.

Reading is sometimes enough to get me back to sleep again, but not always, and sometimes I end up just lying there in the dark, eyes closed, hoping for unconsciousness to return. I try to avoid looking at the clock as I think this is counter-productive and makes things worse, but the downside of that is that I don’t know whether it’s 1:30am with a good chance that I will get back to sleep for a few hours, or it’s 6:00am and I have less than an hour until my alarm goes off.

I think sometimes I fall back asleep without realising it. This is more noticeable at the weekend where I have the chance to sleep in. I’ll be awake in darkness and the next time I open my eyes it will be light, proving that I had slept. It’s more difficult to tell on work days though, when it is still dark when the alarm goes off.

I figure I must be getting at least a few good hours of sleep as otherwise I would be a complete wreck during the daytime. As it is I’m still able to function at work and complete other tasks around the place, so I guess I can’t be awake all night, even though it sometimes feels that way.

I expect that the insomnia will subside once I have a better idea of my son’s next steps, but at the moment we’re giving him a little space and letting him keep us informed, as this is what he’s requested. Hopefully he will fill us in later in the week and we can get on with supporting and encouraging him and his plans and just being there for him. For now though, even though I’m confident of his ability to find another good role somewhere, the uncertainty of what is happening keeps me awake thanks to my frustrating anxiety brain. I wish I could mute the part of my mind that does the over-thinking.

Here’s another shot of the AMC Rambler.

Fujica GW690 & Kodak Plus-X (expired 2008 and shot at 100asa). Adox Rodinal 1+50 13mins @ 20°.

Taken on 18 August 2024